No Pictures, Please

Alright, so I owe you all an explanation for my absence…but I’m not going to give it to you.  If you know me at all you’ll understand that I’ve been overwhelmed lately and being overwhelmed does not really bring out my productive side.  Not at all.  In fact, when the wind viciously assaults my face I tend not to simply turn my cheek and keep walking…no, no, no.  Instead, I usually turn and run with the wind.  That metaphor was confusing and for some reason brought up strange images of my Pocahontas alter ego donning sneakers and singing parodies of Colors of the Wind.  Sorry.  See why I can’t properly explain why I haven’t been writing lately?  What I meant to say is: stress does strange things to me.  That’s the best explanation I’m able to give you (except for the rest of this post which could seem like an extra long-winded explanation.)

There is A LOT going on in my life right now (surprising, huh?)  Sometimes I wonder how much profit I could make contributing content to cheesy Hollywood drama shows.  Probably an obscene amount—at least with the way my life’s been somersaulting anyways.  Well, there’s a shortened, more cryptic version of your explanation.  Moving on:

Here’s a picture of me right now in 1,000 words:

I’ve been in my pajamas all day.  They’re more comfortable than regular clothing lately, partly because I’m lazy and stressed about virtually everything so if I’m not going to leave the house I might as well indulge, and partly because I’ve developed a concerning addiction to alfajores.  Yeah, cookies make you fat.  Adding a couple of pounds of cookies to my paunch makes my jeans uncomfortable.  PJs for the win!  Kind of.  …At least my boobs are getting bigger too, but this is serious!  Coming from the girl who can eat a pound of chocolate in one sitting and not feel an ounce of guilt OR show it, this self-admission should be alarming.  It’s ok though, because I’ve recognized the problem and started working out.  I’m doing these dance classes with my friend Ike and I feel so much better after every class.  I have also curbed my intake of dulce de leche and even quit coffee (sort of)!

I have three documents open on my computer right now: a final essay for my online class due tomorrow, my notes for the Management midterm I have on Tuesday, and you guys.  School.  School, school, school.  Yeah, school was cool, but I just wasted like five words right there.  Sigh.  I’m so unmotivated for anything school-related.  I do like my new school a lot (if you’ll recall I switched schools this semester for a bigger challenge because I felt bored.)  I actually feel like I’m learning there and I enjoy it.  The problem is that I have no idea what I’m doing being at school anymore besides fulfilling an excuse to be here in Argentina.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to have a real degree and be finished and everything, I just wish I knew what I really wanted to study…or do…or anything.  The closer I get to the finish line, the more I realize that I’m just as lost, if not more lost, than I was when I started college.  At least when I started I was oblivious to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.  Now that I know that I don’t know, I’m terrified.  I want to study something for real.  With this school actually challenging me again I’ve become re-interested in academics and learning things.  My inner nerd woke up from a very very long siesta… but I don’t know what I’d want to study if I decided to study something else.  I don’t want to study really until I have a direction.  Finding a direction requires you to know what you like doing and what you want to do.  It’s hard to explain, but I just want to know what I want; while I don’t know I find it increasingly harder to dedicate time and energy to something I’m unsure about.  The words “school” and “know” just lost their meaning; I’ve said them too many times.

As to my love life, that’s confusing as well.  Boys.  Boys, boys, boys.  Meh.  I like the word school better right now.  I only have 9 weeks left in Argentina this year, can you believe it?  I’ve done a surprisingly excellent job of spinning a scandalous, romantic web here for the last ten months.  So well, in fact, that I got tangled up in the stickiness of it all myself.  That’s ok.  I’m sure I will untangle a lot of in the next few weeks before I go back to Colorado, but I just feel kind of lost.  Every time that I announce I know what I want and I’m happy, I end up second guessing myself.  I did meet a boy that I like.  (This is weird to publicly disclose to you all but shhhh…it’s a secret 😉 )  The problem is that I’m still in love with one back home.  Maybe that’s not a problem.  But it does complicate things.  I don’t know what to do so…I am just kind of lazy-rivering it and trying to ignore the whole situation.

That’s not working very well, but I guess it will get resolved eventually; I only have nine more pitifully short weeks.

A good friend told me that the reason I’m not sleeping lately might be because I feel like I have to choose one of my lives: here or there.  I have been rather homesick lately now that I know I can hug my mom and my dog (Happy Mother’s Day btw!)  in just two short months. The time I spend lying awake trying to fall asleep I sometimes start imagining what it’s going to be like when I get back.  This was something I started when I was sick and miserable in Bolivia.  When you’re that sick and you don’t have your mom to boss around and buy you ice cream, you start to wish you did.  I love it here in Argentina and I want to stay but I can’t stop daydreaming about that future day in July in the airport.  I’m planning on giving everyone cliché, running-start hugs.  You know, the kind that you see in movies but are much harder to execute in person.  Those kind where your hands involuntarily drop all of your belongings wherever they may fall, your feet start carrying you across the slippery tiles, magically avoiding slipping or running you into some poor stranger in the crowd, and launch you at the perfect moment to land in your loved one’s arms and kick up your feet in the most exaggerated hug.  It’s going to be awesome.  Someone should film it because it’s going to be a hallmark reunion.  Bad ass.

But, anyhow, I shouldn’t be making everything so black and white.  Leaving Argentina for the next six months doesn’t mean that my life here isn’t real, nor does it mean that I’ll be abandoning everyone back in the US when I come back.  It just means that my heart has to stretch really far, far enough to span two continents.  Nine weeks.  Where did the other 48 go?!  That’s so short.

But I don’t plan to spend them locked in my room trying not to confront reality.  I mean, I spent the last couple doing that, time to move on.  So passé.  So I’m trying to motivate myself to face the wind and keep walking.  I have great friends and family here and in the US, I’m going to be able to get through the last few months of school, and I promise I will still wear the same size jeans when I get home (but who cares if I don’t anyways!)  Here comes trouble.  😉

Ok, so that was 101 words too many, but wouldn’t be Autumn if not long-winded.

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About Autumn Standing

I love words; my name is made up of real words, even. I am studying Global Tourism and Spanish with a minor in Business Administration at Colorado State University but this year I chose to study abroad in Buenos Aires, Argentina. That's why this blog was born--to keep my beautiful family and friends informed of my whereabouts, thoughts, accomplishments, and mistakes.

Posted on May 13, 2013, in Spring Semester, Travel and Study and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Kelly Reynolds

    This is from yo momma. I love you !!!and miss you 9 weeks is a long long time for me!!!

  2. Awwww Autumn you’re wonderful and awesome and cliche 🙂 it’s great! Live up the nine weeks, okay? Smile at the wind blowing on your face, embrace it, love it. Don’t freak out over not knowing what you’re doing or where you’re going or what you want to study because in all honesty it doesn’t matter: What matters is you, who you are, what you do right here, right now, and tomorrow will come with new adventures, even if it’s just that you put jeans on for the first time in days 😛 Stop freaking about everything! You’re turning into me, lol, second-guessing everything and over-analyzing shit. Just do it and you’re fine. Whatever it is you’re doing, it’s fine, and you’ll figure it out one day. We’re young and awesome and college students–we’re not supposed to have it all figured out yet! And here’s the truth: 80% of college students have NO CLUE WHAT THEY’RE DOING!! 15% ACT like they know what they’re doing but then flip out as soon as they graduate, and the last 5% stop worrying about what they’re doing and just go with it and they figure it out.

    Guess what? I know you, and you’re ALWAYS the 5%. Live it 😉

    ❤ Dad

    • You always put things so eloquently, Dad ❤ I miss you and can't wait to see you! Thanks for the comment, it's inspirational. And yes, I am always the 5 or 10%…I've been thinking a lot about that tattoo. Shame on me!

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